‘Ma Lo Fo bi Awo’: A Soft Girl’s Guide to The Streets
I am snickering to myself as I type this. On this exact day last year, I found myself belonging to the streets and its been an…interesting journey so far. This started out as random tweets and a recollection of the lessons I learnt being in streets after being used to relationships. If you ask any of my girls, especially Tosin, they’ll tell you that I’m a softie’s softie. I sometimes joke that all it takes for me to catch feelings is to wink at me three times. I wish I was joking. Anyhoo if you’re like me, constantly catching feelings and struggling with casual movement in streets, you might find this helpful.
In the words of the great prophet Naira Marley, ‘Ma Lo Fo Bi Awo’, so here is Auntie Skosko teaching you how not to break like a ceramic plate. You are welcome.
1. Know the difference: So here you are FRESH out of a fairly long relationship, used to all the trappings that come with that. The unhindered intimacy, the softness, the vulnerability, the comfort. Cut that shit out. Belonging to the streets is very different from belonging to someone and to flourish in the streets you must understand that crucial fact. It will help you to have realistic expectations from partners and prevent you from confusing a man, for your man. Tuck it in. Have a realistic understanding of your current situation and adjust your behaviour and emotional labour, accordingly. This shouldn’t mean that your casual partners are purely sexual or that you cannot share any forms of intimacy but be aware of the fact that he is not your old boyfriend and this is a different kind of arrangement.
2. Their desire for you is not negated by their desire for others: The norm of monogamy in your relationship is not likely to be obtainable in the streets. Get used to sharing people and divest yourself from any desire to possess anybody. This will likely be difficult for you because you are used to being the sole centre of attraction to your partner, and you basked in the security of that. I am happy to inform you that someone’s desire for you is not negated by his desire for someone else. Learn to enjoy the pieces of people that they share with you, without obsessively chasing the whole.
3. Be safe and responsible: Oya so now that you are a bad bitch juggling men and running the streets, it’s time to place a renewed emphasis on sexual health. You must be responsible for your sexual health, like never before. This means condoms, frequent health checks, the whole nine yards. Find an affordable clinic/ test centre in your area and make a habit of it. Random lesson I learnt is that your chances of BV or upsetting your vaginal pH increases the more sexual partners you take on. (Which sucks but life is hard for us women; what’s new?). In general, just take care of you boo, like always. Don’t let purity culture affect you oh my dear! Don’t let anybody shame you away from getting tested, you’re doing the right thing! Even if anything comes up in your tests, get treated, ask questions, you are not dirty or a stain. Always take care of you. Always.
4. Quality over quantity: When you’re making your roster and deciding who you want to run the streets with, remember that it’s quality over quantity. You don’t need 12 men to show you a good time, (I mean you can if you want baby girl but are all 12 of them knocking your socks off?). Don’t be pressured to have too many men just because you think that’s what belonging to streets is about. Find your sweet spot, prioritise your pleasure and get with people that are showing you the BEST time. Don’t EVER manage subpar braps on streets. You are swimming in variety, make good choices and say no to suffer-head. If it’s two men that are rocking your world, keep them and be on the streets, but in a gated community (LOL). No go dey do pass yourself.
5. It’s okay to miss it: I used to berate myself so much for randomly missing the comfort of my last relationship and all that it entailed. I was not showing kindness to myself. Be patient and kind to yourself. It’s okay to miss it. Acknowledge your emotions; feel the feelings. Unpack them, journal, vent and move on. Realise that you are always free to experience a range of emotions, don’t punish yourself.
6. Don’t lose your softness: I used to think that to run streets you had to be this hard babe meaning zero to no vulnerability. Leave them before they leave you, don’t confess anything, stay aloof, be cold. I couldn’t even attempt to harden myself because I have long internalised that my softness is not a curse. I refused to manipulate myself into stiffness in order to avoid getting hurt first or in order to put up a false defense. I will extend kindness and softness to partners I share myself with. I like to be babied, I like the softness, I like the warmth. My version of streets encompasses all these things. I guess the lesson here is that there is no one version of streets. Make of it what best suits you by prioritizing your needs and ensuring you find partners who give you what you want. Do not become something you are not for streets. Ko worth e.
7. Be very wary of the kind of men you pick: They said the dating waters are murky and they didn’t lie; the waters of the streets are EVEN murkier. It’s slim pickings out here so pick your pickings with open eyes. I think my best tip for this is for there to be a genuine friendship between you and the men you’re running streets with. Followed by the most intense sexual chemistry. Open and honest communicators are a gem you should find. My first run in the streets was with the kindest, sweetest man who turned out to be the most wretched liar. The dishonesty ruined any sweetness I enjoyed from him. Please prioritise honesty as a feature to look out for because it will save you so much stress. Honesty will also create a safe space for you to air any hang ups or even to just ask for what you want, sexually or otherwise. Please I beg you, DO NOT MANAGE ANY MAN. Make sure that anyone you’re sharing yourself with brings you enough pleasure and peace to be worth your time.
8. Be in check with your emotions: BY FAR, my most important lesson in the streets is that you MUST remain in constant check with your emotions. I recommend emotional inventories where you state your emotions and unpack why you are feeling them. No go dey run streets and your chest will be peppering you because one of your tings is tweeting about one of his other tings. If that’s envy you’re feeling, it’s better you acknowledge your feelings, unpack it and let it go. Before you start snapping at him or being mean and potentially ruining what you share because of your unresolved stuff. Another reason to be in check with your emotions is to monitor if they begin to evolve into something more serious and you need to detach, distance yourself and recalibrate. Something that really helped me with this was having an accountability partner, always a friend I trusted, to discuss boundaries and feelings with. In my case this would look like me reporting myself to Tosin that I’d caught feelings for one of my men. We would then sit down and discuss distancing and communication and self-prioritisation and protecting myself. I can’t stress how important stuff like this is. So you won’t be overwhelmed or shocked by your emotions. Stay in check okay baby?
For me, the greatest lesson I learnt while running streets is that I am not made for streets LOL. On some days I feel like the depth of intimacy I desire is not achievable. On other days, I have a strong disdain for the cavalier feel of it all coupled with the accompanying uncertainty.
In general, I just don’t think it’s my cup of tea and that kind of self-awareness is also a welcome by-product of the whole process. I will remain in the streets for reasons beyond my control and for all its worth I will continue to enjoy sharing my space, time and body with people who are worth my while.
Skosko out xx
