I did not wake up well this morning.
My right tonsil was swollen. My throat was itchy. I had a headache so bad it wouldn’t let me sleep. My boyfriend had been checking on me and when he FaceTimed me this morning, I didn’t know when I broke down and started crying. (nothing new to him because I do be crying all the time lmao). But this time I went off the call to cry properly and I texted him saying that since my frequent illnesses last year, I had developed some sort of ptsd where illness made me feel powerless and sent me back to the dark place I was in for most of last year. It did not matter whether it was a flu or even just a stomach ache, all I saw in my mind was: my eyes sunken into my face, swimming in a darkness I thought would swallow me whole. It does not matter to my mind that I am free now, the sight of sickness takes me back there. He replied telling me he knew this. And of course he did. Who had stuck closer than him in every moment of my darkness. But nothing could console me. I was crying and crying and I felt utterly alone. So I went to face God. I said ‘Baba, you brought me to this land, and you did not bring me here to wallow in sadness. Lift my spirit and heal my body because only you can do this one’. I was crying and pacing and challenging God. My tears did not stop even as I praised him, even as I told him how sad and lonely I was here sometimes. How much I missed home. How the…
